Only God Knows

Only God knows

They say life goes on, but you’re not here?

My grandmother tells me that only God knows;

so I want to see that man and ask him why.

I’m upset and your memories are with me still.

I didn’t even get to see you out or say goodbye.

I’m left asking why, but only God knows.

Seeking a response but my calls go unanswered.

They tell me that I have to move on,

but I’ll never get a call or visit from you again.

I go to your home, but you’re not there.

Knock on the door for days, but no one comes out.

Why did you have to leave me here alone?

I will never hear you laugh again.

Never come to you for advice in the dead of night.

Never laugh at your attempts to dance or be smooth.

Why did a true friend have to end up gone?

Only God knows.

 

©2017 Taihair Brown

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depression

Darkness is more than the absence of light.

It’s a feeling of emptiness in oneself.

Words get caught in your throat,

leaving you unable to communicate the pain.

 

Darkness doesn’t come from the closing of eyes.

It’s not your inability to see that is lacking,

but what the world doesn’t see within you—

That invisible pain without an outward appearance.

 

Darkness is not the mere absence of windows

and there is no way to peer into someone’s soul.

No one can see the internal struggle you face.

All they see is the smile that masks that pain.

 

Darkness is not an appearance that one can see.

What your eyes do not witness can hurt worse—

Worse than any physical wound inflicted upon you.

Depression; the silent killer of the mind, body and soul.

Copyright © 2017 Taihair Brown

Don’t Shoot

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Dancing to the Devil under Gods sun.
Officer, please answer my cries and pleas.
No one will mourn for me is what they’ll think.
Terrified because you have a gun in my face.

Shaking, not because I’m a threat, but because of the threat.
How many tears must I shed before you notice my fear?
Officer, I just want to go home to my kids and kiss them goodnight.
Open your eyes and see my humanity, please.
Tell my family that I love them…
Copyright © 2016 Taihair Brown

I cry and I lie

I cry and I lie.

I lie, not cause I cry,

but I cry cause I have to lie.

Or maybe I lie because I’m crying.

I’m crying for a truth I cannot tell.

I cry cause I’m holding it all inside.

I lie for the truth I cannot tell.

I cry cause it’s easier than talking.

I lie because of the burden it carries.

This is not the lie of a tongue—

A lie of emotions and tears.

Crying to avoid confronting my fears.

I cry and I lie.

I lie, not cause I cry,

but I cry and lie to deal with the pain.

©2016 Taihair Brown

With a smile

I wake and start my day with a smile.

I shower and get dressed with a smile.

On the drive to work, I don’t curse.

There’s no yelling or flipping of fingers.

I drive to work and sit in traffic with a smile.

I work my shift and laugh with co-workers.

I get my job done with a smile.

I sit through meetings, get yelled at,

yet I never frown or fuss.

I get through my day with a smile.

I go home to kiss my wife and kids.

I answer all their enthusiastic questions

and I comply with all their requests.

I do it all with just a smile.

I go into the bathroom so no one will see me cry.

No one can see the pain that hides beneath this smile

©Taihair Brown 2015

Rear View

I stare at a cold world through my rear view

Tupac speaking in the background,

but it doesn’t ease the pain I’ve been through

All I see is everything I left behind

Looking back at the world as it asks “who are you?”

I can’t look forward to a stolen future

All is left is what’s in the rear view

All I can hear is my heart beaten faster

A voice speaking to me out of the blue

It’s time for you to say goodbye

God, do dreams come true?

I don’t want to look at the world like this

I want to look forward to letting the adult me debut

I scream to God like the song says

Do he hear me or was the pastors words untrue?

Why can’t I look before me through a front windshield?

Instead, I’m surrounded by a dark void subdued

Crying and asking, why was my future stolen from me?

And all I can do is stare through my rear view

My Brother

I used to cry from the bullies on the block

And you used to fight so they’d leave me alone

Taught me how to knuckle up

Told me to never back down and fight back

I had no father and neither did you

So we formed a kinship, a brotherhood

You were more than just my brother, family

Who knew you’d grow to be a killer

Taking a drastic turn from the one I took

Maybe cause you were busy fighting for me

Fighting for my pride cause I was too skinny

Bigger kids picked on me often

and you’d throw a punch for every one I received

We’d stay up late talking about our dreams

When we grow up, we’d be having things

So where did the fork in the road deviate us?

Maybe if I had carried my own weight,

your own would have been lighter

I remember your mama’s boyfriend

When he laid hands on her, you wanted to kill him

It was more than defense of pride,

but defense of your Pride

Nothing could hide from the pain you held inside

Maybe it all unleashed into a violent street façade

cause my brother was a caring dude full of love

But someone else didn’t see it that way

One too many fist fights and rage battles

When your mama called me and gave the bad news

Someone took a gun and extinguished my brothers light

I felt powerless and like a coward

The pain of knowing that I was not there

Every time you came to my defense

Why wasn’t I there to ease the weight off your shoulders?

If I had just one wish, I would ask God,

God, please spare my Brother

©2013 Taihair Brown